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One of the central components to its success as a Grand Theft Auto game is its fantastic characters. Every character is iconic and memorable, but what ties each character to their performance is their dialogue. The writing for Grand Theft Auto games has always been stellar, but there is something about San Andreas that really shines. Which are the best GTA San Andreas quotes?

Updated January 24, 2022 by John Charron: San Andreas is one of those games that defies the weight of time. Chalk it up to nostalgia, but San Andreas is still crazy fun, despite its old school graphics and gameplay mechanics. It’s honestly the characters, they make the game’s story so much more lively, even compared to other GTA games. Props to Rockstar for not skimping on the dialogue and actors, you can tell the difference in terms of how each line is delivered. Few games have as much humor and heart as San Andreas, which is why it will forever be a classic.

13 “The Russians Got Bigger Things To Worry About Than Your Genitals, Believe Me.” – Mike Toreno

Mike is a great side character, and one that nicely rounds out San Andreas’s nutty plot. Mike is a G-man through and through, and his biting humor is the perfect addition to the cast of nutjobs that irritate C.J. Mike.

Voiced by James Woods, Mike is as sarcastic and pessimistic as one would expect a government spook to be, but his views of America fit right in with the world of San Andreas.

12 “Don’t Blame Me, Blame Society” – C.J.

C.J. might be the snarkiest of the GTA protagonists, although it’s hard to pick just one. C.J. is quick to shift the blame in most things, perhaps a sign of his own immaturity, but he’s still pretty darn funny, even when he is blasting away rival gang members.

A part of C.J.’s rogue charm is his tendency to lash out against authority figures, or in this case, society as a whole. This quote defines the character.

11 “Make Sure It’s The Right Guy This Time!” – Helicopter Pilot

The helicopter pilots always got something to say; in each GTA game they have a different persona going on, all united by their bloodthirsty hate for the player. They make for great fun shooting out of the sky as such.

In San Andreas, the chopper pilots are a pair of bumbling goofs, arguably the most comedic of all the pilots. This quote is uttered when they fire upon C.J. It is a disturbing yet silly line that highlights the powder keg tone in which GTA police are portrayed.

10 “You Picked The Wrong House, Fool!” – Big Smoke

As one of the central antagonists in San Andreas, Big Smoke has some of the most iconic quotes in the GTA series. When C.J. returns home, he finds quite a lot has changed around the old neighborhood, least of all his friend Big Smoke who believes him to be a robber before uttering this now classic line.

Big Smoke is not the most intimidating guy, but he sure can be funny when an opportunity arises.

9 “Hey, Just Like Old Times, Huh, Tommy?” – Ken Rosenberg

The original Grand Theft Auto trilogy was interlaced with self-references and crossover characters that helped build the world of GTA from the ground up. Ken Rosenberg is a central character in Vice City and a minor supporting character in San Andreas, which takes place several years after the former game.

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When caught in the midst of a shootout, Ken accidentally calls C.J. the name Tommy, the protagonist of Vice City. Old habits die hard.

8 “Ah S-t, Here We Go Again” – C.J.

This quote spawned the meme itself, and would be C.J.’s catchphrase if he ever had one. C.J. finds himself in the thick of it when he returns home to Los Santos after several years away. His old gang is in shambles and it’s up to him to pick up the pieces.

C.J. isn’t afraid to speak his mind, but he is also not one to complain. This classic quote is iconic not only for the memes, but for encapsulating C.J.’s personality in one swoop.

7 “Grove Street. Home.” – C.J.

For all the comedic tomfoolery in San Andreas, there is still a layer of seriousness that permeates the undercurrents of the game’s story. C.J. abandoned his friends and family when they needed him most, and now he has to make amends.

C.J.’s story is one of redemption and forgiveness, both of others and of the self. C.J. can’t change the past, but he can change his future.

6 “Kid, I’m A Hippie. The Only Thing I’ve Shot Is Acid.” – The Truth

The Truth, played by Peter Fonda of all people, is one of the funniest side characters in the game. An aged hippie who seems out of place in the world of San Andreas, The Truth actually meshes pretty well with C.J. despite their differences in the realm of violence.

This goofball quote comes after C.J. asks if Truth can shoot a gun, which he obviously cannot. Even in the mayhem of Grand Theft Auto, there is still a little sliver of room for peace and love.

5 “I Can S-t On You From Such A Height, That You’ll Think God Himself Took A Crap On You!” – Officer Tenpenny

Samuel L. Jackson nails every role he is in, but it’s always extra special when he plays the antagonist. Needless to say, he kills it in the role of corrupt cop Officer Tenpenny, a cruel and manipulative police officer who causes trouble for C.J. around every turn.

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This quote from the scheming narc is just one of his many great one-liners, delivered with vigor and rage. As far as villains in Grand Theft Auto go, Tenpenny is as hilarious as they come, even if he is still a malicious monster.

4 “I’m A Well-Dressed Maniac” – C.J.

At the end of the day, Grand Theft Auto is about uber-violence and crime in America. The decision may fall on the player in terms of how violent they are, but C.J. is more than willing to go along with any potential rampage.

When shooting, C.J. will shout out his threats, but there is something about this one that feels so Grand Theft Auto. Mentioning his clothes and his mania is something only C.J. would do.

3 “I’ll Have Two Number 9’s, A Number 9 Large…" – Big Smoke

Big Smoke is a man with an appetite. One of the most iconic scenes occurs early in the game when the Grove Street gang are getting some fast food at the drive-thru, Big Smoke takes his time with the order and has a very specific roster he desires.

His full order is quite the laundry list: “I’ll have two number 9’s, a number 9 large, a number 6 with extra dip, a number 7, two number 45’s, one with cheese, and a large soda.” The quote has become something of a meme and inside joke amongst fans of the game.

2 “All We Had To Do Was Follow The D-mn Train, C.J.!” – Big Smoke

Big Smoke has some great quotes in the game, but this one is printed onto the brains of players. One of the most infuriating missions in the game is the dreaded train chapter, in which Big Smoke and C.J. have to follow a moving train with shooters atop it.

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It’s easier said than done, and typically takes a few tries even for seasoned players. After failing the mission, Big Smoke will utter these now iconic words and admonishes the player for failing. Always a bummer.

1 “Are You A Professional Moron Or Just A Gifted Amateur?” – C.J.

Every GTA protagonist has some choice words to say after hitting a car while driving, but C.J.’s might be the funniest. This hilarious quote feels so applicable to anyone who has to deal with foolish or pigheaded behavior on a regular basis.

It’s one of those rare video game quotes that feels like it has a place in everyday life. Fans of the game can find plenty of occasions to utter it in real life.

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